Yoda Wins Reelection as Jedi Council President
by AlexCaletia
Summary: A "news story" about a Jedi Council election that bears an uncanny resemblance to the 2004 U.S. presidential election.


**Yoda Wins Second Term as Jedi Council President**

_Misinformation, Negative Attack Ads Characterized Close Race_

The election is over, and the results are in: Yoda has officially defeated his main challenger, Luke Skywalker, to win a second four-year term as President of the Jedi Council. According to analysts, the war with the Empire was the most hotly contested issue of the campaign, with Yoda saying it was necessary but Skywalker countering that it was the "wrong war, at the wrong place, at the wrong time". In the first presidential debate, Skywalker stated that "In the Episode 4 opening crawl speech, Yoda called the Empire part of an "axis of evil". But why? There is not one shred of evidence that the Empire is even close to producing a working weapon of mass destruction." However, Yoda claimed that Skywalker's statement was "full of lies." "I never called the Empire part of an axis of evil," Yoda stated. "I did call them evil. But I at no time ever used the term 'axis'. Also, our spies did find the Death Star plans." Skywalker, however, said that the Death Star plans were not evidence of WMD because "first of all, the Death Star's weapon isn't even fully operational. And so what if it was? The main reactor isn't shielded, so we can just drop a couple proton torpedoes in and blow it up if we need to. No need to start a whole war over this."

Yoda also tried to score political points by portraying Skywalker as a "flip-flopper". "Luke Skywalker says he supports our troops," said a campaign ad, "but he voted against funding for new advanced targeting computers for X-Wings that will be essential to winning the war on terror. Is this who you want in charge?" Skywalker said that this ad was "simply misleading," saying that "I never voted against targeting computers. All I said was that we need to make sure every Jedi is capable of hitting a 2-meter-wide target without using a targeting computer, and my education plan will make sure that that happens. I mean, I did vote against targeting computers, but that was before I voted for them. Or I voted for them, but that was before I voted against them. Or whatever." While not explicitly denying charges that he is a flip-flopper, Skywalker stated that "even if I am, I'm definitely a lot less of a flip-flopper than my father, who was probably the biggest flip-flopper of them all."

Skywalker's campaign was also dealt a major blow by the X-Wing Veterans for Truth (XWVT), an organization of Skywalker's squadmates during the Battle of Yavin that say that Skywalker's actions prove he is unfit to be a leader. "While Luke Skywalker was sitting it his X-wing meditating and drawing on the power of the Force or whatever you want to call it, I was nearly killed by dozens of TIE Fighters shooting at me," says pilot Biggs Darklighter in a typical XWVT ad. "I served with Luke Skywalker, and he can't be trusted." The XWVT also claims that the medal Skywalker earned for "single-handedly" saving Yavin was awarded fraudulently. "I clearly saw Obi-Wan Kenobi's Jedi apparition sitting right next to Luke Skywalker when he was going down that trench," said Darklighter. "There's no doubt about it: He cheated." On the other hand, Skywalker claimed that Yoda's Battle of Yavin record was even worse than his own. "Yoda didn't even fight at all," Skywalker claimed. "He just hid out on Dagobah through the whole battle. He didn't even show up for duty in the Coruscant National Guard."

Exit polls show, however, that the issue that mattered most to voters was moral values. According to exit polls, thousands of Jedi chose Yoda over Skywalker because of their positions on same-sex Master-Padawan relationships. "We have to clearly define the Master-Padawan relationship as between a male master and a female apprentice, or a female master and a male apprentice," said Yoda. "Skywalker, however, wants to move away from this tradition, and that will cause a slippery slope. Next thing we know, Masters will want to have two or more Padawans. And then they'll want to have partners of different species. We can't let that happen." Skywalker, however, claimed that he was not in favor of same-sex relationships, but instead favored a system where same-sex couples could not be considered "official" Master-Padawan couples, but could instead be considered "civil unions". Under Skywalker's plan, which has already been implemented on several planets, Jedi apprentices with same-sex masters could complete the Jedi Trials and be awarded a "provisional" Jedi Knight status. "I really like Luke Skywalker's system," said Provisional Jedi Knight Darian Sinthera after filling out his provisional ballot in a provisional Jedi Council election. "But I would like it if I could get full recognition. I mean, with this provisional status, you can't even get good health insurance." In the final debate between the two major candidates, Skywalker pointed out that Yoda's own apprentice, Qui-Gon Jinn, was involved in a same-sex relationship which his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yoda claimed that this reference was "inappropriate".

Nevertheless, in the election, Yoda won with 51 percent of the vote. In his concession speech, Skywalker decided not to push for recounts of ballots on critical swing planets, instead calling for "a need for unity" in order for the Jedi to help "defeat the evil Empire."

"Look, he flip-flopped again," commented Yoda. "First he said the Empire wasn't evil, now he says it is. Even after the election is over he can't stop flip-flopping."


End file.
